Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
