First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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