somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
