two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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