Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
