it's too hot outside to masturbate.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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