I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
