Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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