i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize