Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
