plz talk dirty to me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
