I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
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