Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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