My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize
