I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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