I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Randomize
