My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
