hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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