i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
