My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize