i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
