I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
