Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
