I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
