cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
