I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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