Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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