it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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