Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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