end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
