Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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