all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
