just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
