i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
