I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
