Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
