Umm I'm too high to move.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You're like the curious george of whores
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Randomize
