There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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