woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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