Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
