i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
