I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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