i need an iv and a liver transplant
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
