I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
