One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I will die if light touches me.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
