I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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