This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize