U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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