wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
