No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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