I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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