That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
