The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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