im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
