well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
