Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
