My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
