I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
